It is a sad, sad day for all men who still believe in being men.
There was once a time when if a man looked at you sideways you asked him if he had something to say to you. If he was just spacing out he’d apologize and you buy each other a shot of whiskey and keep that fucking bar open until 4 a.m and chat up everything in a skirt that passed by your way.
If he did have a problem, he’d own up to it and you’d step outside to duke it out a bit. No cheap shot bullshit, no pulling out knives or pistols if the other guy is throwing fists only. At the end of it all, you buy each other a shot of whiskey and keep that fucking bar open until 4 a.m. and chat up everything with a skirt that passed by your way.
Charlton Heston was a throwback to a time when men didn’t talk about connecting with their feminine side because they cut that son of a bitch out with a ka-bar knife fighitng commies or Nazis in some god forsaken shithole just because they needed something fun to do that year.
He was a throwback to a time when if there was a raccoon fucking up your trash cans and harassing your dogs at all hours of the night you didn’t call animal control and wait 4 hours for them to come hit it with the taser and gas it to death for you. You went in your house, pulled out your varmint rifle (which if you weren’t a pussy you’d know how it’s different from your average deer rifle) shoot the son of a bitch, skin it and have it for dinner the next day.
He was from a time when if a guy cracked wise about your lady you punched him in the face or the gut no questions asked. No ‘excuse me?’ no, ‘do you have a problem?’ bullshit, you just punch him because if that guy still had anything resembling manhood left in him, he got up and dusted himself off realized he was out of line apologized with a tip of the proverbial hat and kept on walking knowing he deserved it and didn’t called a lawyer to sue you over his bruised ego because he was acting like an asshole.
He was from a time in Hollywood when films were epic and urgent and had to be to contain a personality the size of him. A time when the films were sweeping in their grandeur and their grit. No matter how stilted the dialog or how ‘fake’ the sets looked, you bought it because the actors pouring their hearts out on the screen believed it and wanted you to believe it and by golly you better believe you bought it.
Many have come and gone since Chuck first hit the silver screen, but few ever matched the sheer massiveness of his screen persona or his gusto for his work.
Now if you’ll excuse me, while you are talking to your boyfriend about his feelings and reassuring him that it’s OK that he cried at the end of that last episode of The Hills I’m going to tip a beer to one of the last of a dying breed.
Some day a child will walk by in a museum and point up and ask, “Mommie, what is that?”
She’ll look at her daughter and say, “That’s a man, dear. There used to be some of them around once.”
And they’ll be pointing at statue of Chuck Heston.
If you really need all the details of how and why he passed away, click HERE.
His filmography is HERE. Now go out and rent Major Dundee.
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