So here is a rundown of some of the shit (figurative and literal) I had to read to help my clients prep for AFM:

Dominic Sena’s Season of the Witch – Basically it’s a flick set in the first Crusades where the church believes a young girl is a with and responsible for spreading the black death and ask returning Knights to take her for trial and punishment.

I won’t say more since it would give away spoilers and only asshole post those but needless to say that the bullshit the production company went through to stop people from printing the script much less read it on the computer with watermarking and printing diabled and shit it’s not all that.

It might end up an OK shit kicker but it ‘borrowed’ too closely from a few too many other good movies. Not all that impressed.

Biutiful starring Javier Bardem directed by Alejandro Gonzalez Inarittu is a film about a street hustler who can speak with the dead trying to sort out his life. I won’t say more becaue again, there are spoilers. This is just a fantastic film. I was just kinda ‘meh’ on Babel which was Inarritu’s last film, but while reading this I kept imagining how Bardem would perform in this and I can’t see how he doesn’t get nominated for an Oscar for this. It was really exceptional.

Martin Scorcese was back at AFM with a film about 1600′s Portuguese monks trying to convert people in Japan to Christianity despite the illegality of the act of being Christian.

It wasn’t horrible. Wasn’t great either. I dunno. I think I’ve been a little burned on Scorcese lately. He’s definitely lost something. It still has some promise of being exceptional as the cast is top notch. (Bernal, Day-Lewis & Del Toro star) it could go either way with that one.

The biggest shock was Book of Eli. I is the latest from the the Hughes brothers who are average at best. However, this script was just FUUUUUN. It’s about a scumbag searching for a book and a man, played by Denzel Washington, named Eli trying to get the word of God to a town he’s never been to before in California…oh did I mention the world was burned to the ground in nuclear war? Oh yeah, that too. It had a lot of the fun and panache of Road Warrior. It was really really fun. However, if directed poorly it could still eat dogshit, but if they do it right it’s going to be SOOOOOOO much goddamn fun! I really can’t wait for that one.

There was a Jackie Chan film, Spy Next Door, that was less heinous than his recent output but just isn’t Jackie Chan. You know, so, yeah, I’m not getting amped for that one until I see some actual footage that makes me look and say, ‘Oh shit! THAT is a motherfuckin’ Jackie Chan film!’

OK that’s it. I might get one or 2 more straggler films and I’ll report on those. In lieu of that, the scantily clad ladies will resume asap. (I posted a bikini video of Audrina getting dunked which is hot since she is wet and in a bikini. If that’s not hot to you, you are gay. That is all)

• AFM Annihilation Weekend.
• AFM MARKET: Jackie Chan in “the spy next door”
• cannes update- terence malick’s tree of life
• site update 2-1-08
• AFM Madness, The Stretch Run

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Here are some pix from the set. I have to say I’m happy they actually made the fake stomach not look like a sack of beans under a shirt like they so often do.

I still don’t think it changes much of what I thought of the script, but still. Good effort.

I still want to wreck this chick. Train wreck or not. (preferably train wreck)

A couple more pix after the break.***

***Bonus*** I’ve included a shot from a makeout scene where her co-star had the balls to go for her jugs and feel her up. Can’t say I blame him. That’s just good ‘acting’ there, sir.

• upskirt: britney spears shows the goodie box again…but wears panties?!?!?
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• Bullshit Excuses: Britney Spears Edition
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• katherine heigl doesn’t want an emmy; needs to shut the fuck up and go away

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This despite the fact that they just had their best Monday ratings ever in their 2 year history with the finales of Gosspi Girl and One Tree Hill.

However, does anyone care? Do they deserve to live on? I say ‘no’

This network has been run like shit. They piss on all the shows they had that have the highest ratings (Smallville, Supernatural & WWE: Smackdown) at every chance they get, including the baffling decision to cancel Smackdown.

It’s just more of the same shit of Hollywood ignoring what the people are telling them. The young male audience is the only thing making them money so they decide they are going to push hard to carve out a piece of the gay and young female audience.

Morons: you have successful shows. Keep mimicking them. More sci-fi and action programming, not less.

Let me take over that network for 1 year. I absolutely guarantee you that the ratings will be at least doubled across the board. I will trim the fat and give the people what they want.

If you want to continue to foist off shit that you think people SHOULD like rather than what they DO like, then you deserve the impending bankruptcy, fuck face.

• Katie Couric out at CBS?
• George Lopez v. Cavemen
• NBC: Our Viewers Are Too Retarded To Read TV Guide
• quick one: Lindsay Lohan on wwe ‘raw’?!?!
• k-fed reminds me why ‘one tree hill’ should have been canceled ages ago

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It started with huge promise with IronMan beating the shit out of basically everything. However, Speed Racer bombed and now Prince Caspian semi-bombed.

What’s going on?

I am excited to see Caspian because the first one was killer. Speed Race, from what my reliable sources tell me, is an absolute revelation in new cutting edge film making.

Is it poor marketing? It can’t be all gas prices can it? It can’t be recession since we haven’t had any of the criteria for a recession yet and already look like any economic slow down we had is swinging back up. (hell, the dollar finally decided to rebound against the Euro last week for Christ’s sake)

I don’t know, but if Indiana Jones bombs, I have lost all faith in the movie going public. Well, even more faith than the already massive amount of faith I lost when shit like Wild Hogs and Crash (the shit Paul Haggis version) are huge box office films and get critical acclaim.

Here is a story on the weak $56 million weekend for Caspian.

• Quick One: Indiana Jones 4 Title Revealed?
• indiana jones trailer!
• First Pic From Indy 4!
• 5 greatest movie weapons of all time
• High School The Porno Musical?!?: Vanessa Hudgens Edition

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It wasn’t great but it wasn’t horrible. It is a pregnancy comedy. So basically if you though Baby Mamma was the bee’s knees you will probably like it since that picture was an utter hunk of shit.

I can reveal that she isn’t being paid much for this movie AT ALL. Not a shock though for a star who has been deemed uninsurable for big budget pictures at the moment.

What does this mean for Lohan?

Here is the reality: She will have to do a lot more low budget films like this to regain her ‘insurable’ status. However, if she ever wants to make it back to big budget tent pole pictures, she is going to have to have some breakout indie successes. This particular movie isn’t going to totally hurt her, but it’s not really going to help her.

Basically, if she simply does a string of films like Labor Pains she will become insurable but I can 100% guarantee you that she will be a straight to DVD / TV movie only property sooner rather than later…that is until a Tarantino-esque director decided to try to revive her career in a meaty part like Quentin did for Travolta.

Interesting Cannes so far. I hope I’m done…I really really do. However, it has been interesting.

• site update – I lied, again – Cannes Film Festival 2008 Edition
• Brett Ratner Is Going ‘Broke’
• on the set: Lindsay Lohan wants us to know she has a killer stomach on the set of Labor Pains..and she does
• cannes update- terence malick’s tree of life
• DGA Reachers a Deal with the AMPTP

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How could I pass up the chance to see how the ultimate train wreck is going to try to reignite her career? I simply couldn’t.

You will of course know by sometime tomorrow if the thing is an utter bowl of dog shit or not. Cross your fingers. I won’t say for what, but cross them so you get your wish.

Until then…

• site update – ‘fucking DSL’
• Cannes update – Lindsay Lohan in Labor Pains
• lindsay lohan in labor pains pt. 2
• site update 4-9-08
• Bullshit Excuses: Britney Spears Edition

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Fame, the remake version not the original, is just a LAME script. Nothing original. Color by numbers. Immature high school boilerplate. I am more disappointed that it wasn’t just flat horrible.

With that said, I am 90% sure it will have good enough box office that it might even warrant a sequel or a straight to DVD film extravaganza.

I am pretty sure that is it for me and Cannes so I will resume normal posting on Monday unless they have a last minute rush job.

Overall I had a lot great scripts to read. It doesn’t happen often but I am actually excited to see this crop get made.

• cannes update- terence malick’s tree of life
• Cannes Update – Josh Hartnett in Bunraku
• cannes update madness
• The Untouchables Prequel Is Untouchable
• Cannes update- Renee Zellweger in My One & Only

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Let me begin by saying that I love Terence Malick’s films, but I am officially not a fan of his scripts. They are a hot mess of self indulgence and pomp. (there is a 10 page sequence chronicling the creation of the universe…in a story about a dude who’s brother died young….yeah.)

In total, it ended up being pretty good and I am inclined to believe that Malick will add that last bit of steel to it to make it very good-great.

I just don’t ever want to read another one of his scripts again. His level of self indulgence would make Steinbeck blush.

Not sure when the film is set to come out, but I wouldn’t blink if I were you because I wouldn’t count on it being in the theater for very long.

My final script for Cannes is the re-make of Fame that is being directed by a guy known only for directing MTV series. Basically it sound like I will going out with a whimper after what was a pretty strong crop of scripts this time around. Oh well….

Things should be back to normal around here by Monday.

• cannes update – fame remake
• Cannes Update – John Cusack in Shanghai
• Cannes Update – Josh Hartnett in Bunraku
• site update 2-1-08
• ‘Lust, Caution’ Wins Venice Best Film Award

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John Cusack is starring in a Casablanca-esque thriller set in Shanghai a week prior to the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

It really is mature, adult examination of relationships and love. It has some nice twists that aren’t played for effect or super obvious.

I really can’t wait to see it honestly. It’s being directed by the guy who did 1408 (also starring Cusack)

I am really thanking my lucky stars that every script I’ve gotten this time around has been great.

I have one last one on deck. The new Terrence Malick film which will no doubt also be awesome since he is pretty much one of the few visionary masters working in film these days.

I will of course let you know what I think once I’m done with it.

Until then…

• cannes update- terence malick’s tree of life
• scarlett johansson + natalie portman + trashy clothes = boneration
• AFM Madness, The Stretch Run
• AFM Round up: Biutiful, Scorcese’s ‘Silence’, Season of the Witch & Book of Eli
• donald trump tips almost as well as I do

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It is the story of George Hamilton’s journey to Hollywood one year and it is about as wild a tale as you are bound to read in a while. Things like this pretty much don’t happen anymore. It is nostalgic and tragic in it’s own way. A true ode and requiem to a time when there was more uncertainty and more aspiration.

Renee Zellweger’s character is George Hamilton’s mother and she is a trip. That’s all I can say.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m actually excited to see a Renee Zellweger film. Dear Lord, what is happening?

• Fire Dept. Resources Are Important, Ask Renee Zellweger’s Neighbors
• cannes update – gus van sant’s MILK
• cannes update madness
• Breaking News: Film Legend Ingmar Bergman Dead At 89
• Quick One: George Clooney In Motorcycle Accident

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…there is a chance I may not even get these quickie updates on the scripts I’m reading up. I’ll try. I should be able to get a few but this is the balls to the wall crunch time for the market.

I have a ‘wonderful’ Renee Zellwegger romantic comedy, My One & Only,  to read now. It’s always a shame because they are usually light reads but don’t have much to them. I hope this is one of the exceptions.

Onward and upwards…

• Site Update
• site update – root canal forever
• CATFIGHT!!!! : Renee Zellwegger & Christie Brinkley Edition
• Monday Links-Cannes Film festival
• Cannes update- Renee Zellweger in My One & Only

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It is just great.

If you don’t know the story of Milk, he was basically the spearhead of the gay rights movement and is widely considered to be the first openly gay person elected to a major political office. (City Supervisor of San Francisco)

The film probably won’t make much money because it has a pretty narrow focus, but those who do see it will no doubt be left intrigued by this period in San Francisco history.

Pretty gripping stuff.

It stars Sean Penn as Milk and co-stars James Franco, Emile Hirsch, Josh Brolin (who is just on a roll right now) and Diego Luna (who is stuck in a pretty thankless role IMO)

Up next is some Renee Zellwegger chick flick which I pray is good.

• The Hills With A Twist…
• cannes update madness
• site update 2-7-08: Berlinale (Berlin Film Festival) picking up steam…
• Cannes update- Renee Zellweger in My One & Only
• Brad Pitt talks about baby plans and crapping out

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It is a straight genre piece. It has about every genre device you expect from a crime film: the cop retiring in 2 weeks, the undercover cop who gets in too deep and the good cop who goes bad out of desperation.

However, that could be said about every crime film as the genre has been beaten and bloodied to death and there are scant few places that invention can be had.

Basically, it all comes down to the actors and how good a job they can do. This film has Don Cheadle. It will be good.

That is all.

• AFM Update
• Site update & brad rendro cut from the Oscar death roll
• Cannes Update – Josh Hartnett in Bunraku
• Sweeney Todd About To Be Butchered?
• vincent gallo is retiring; will not appear in Argento’s Giallo

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I gotta say, it was pretty thrilling stuff. A nice crime noir in the vein of Northside 777.

It did kinda bug me that it was obviously set in LA but was switched to Chicago and Wimmer decided not to fix the problems. i.e. he mentions the ‘mountains’ of Illinois on several occasions. As someone who grew up in Chicago for nearly 30 years, I can tell you the tallest ‘peaks’ in Northern Illinois are the landfills. It really is about as flat as it gets. My sister lives 70 miles from the city and if you stand on top of her house or in the second story of her house and it’s not smoggy, you can see downtown Chicago perfectly.

Other than that, if it’s not done hokie and they keep it gritty and cutting it could be a great shit kicker.

OK, we’ll see if I am handed anything to do tomorrow. If not, I should be able to get back to some ‘normal’ posts.

Until next time….

• site update: I’m back!
• being an annoying asshole must be genetic: paris hilton’s brother barron arrested for DUI
• Charlize theron needs to buy a map
• Lindsay Lohan Not Joining Paris In The Hoosgow…Yet
• Traveling Man

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Now, if you think I mean ‘rad’ as in it’s going to be the next Citizen Kane, then you’d be wrong…and retarded.

However, if you like action packed, martial arts ass kicking fests fueled by hate filled blood lust revenge and a sprinkling of tits and ass in it then you’ll love it. (normal caveat: if they actually shoot it properly)

Basically what I’m saying is if you have testicles and are straight (or even a gay man who is a total top) you will love this or you will probably want to see a doctor as there is a good chance you are in fact comatose or dead or in need of becoming a broad.

I was shocked to say the least I expected the worst, but got a much needed good start to the Cannes script reading time.

Next up Gerard Butler’s new film Law Abiding Citizen. I will also try to get some ‘normal’ updates up too tonight but as I have mentioned a billion times, film festival times pretty much swamp me to death with scripts to read so it leaves little time, but on the plus side you get to hear about the films before ANYONE else hears about them as many of these aren’t even to the casting stage yet just being sent out as straight offers as I believe the Gerard Butler film is.

• Cannes Film Festival Update- Gerard Butler in Law Abiding Citizen
• cannes update- terence malick’s tree of life
• Frank Miller Talks Film
• scarlett johansson + natalie portman + trashy clothes = boneration
• AFM Madness, The Stretch Run

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I am excited about it. I have come to learn some things about the film itself but since it was from a non-final cut I won’t say anything or judge it. I will say I hear Heath Ledger is now the definitive Joker which is pretty high praise.

Check out the video after the break. [There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

• R.I.P Heath Ledger: Dead
• The Joker Revealed!
• The Dark Knight Stunt
• final photo of heath ledger filming with terry gilliam
• trailer: new Dark Knight trailer…from Domino’s pizza?

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The thriller’s new release date, Feb. 13, 2009, falls a full eight months after it was originally scheduled to hit theaters.

In December, the studios postponed the film from June 27 to Oct. 3 to allow director Bryan Singer additional time to shoot a key battle sequence.

Producers have offered no such explanations for the delay this time around, instead chalking up the pushed-back date, usually a red flag, to a tactical move designed to make the most of the movie’s opening weekend, which now falls on the Presidents Day holiday.

What the E! article fails to mention, that I know from working in the distribution side of the biz for a while is: Moving a film to February means “we think the film sucks worse than we thought and are hoping the softer competition will let it earn more than it could otherwise”

They know the biggest competition at this time of year is the re-release of Oscar contenders which is about the softest time of year you can imagine. Fertile breeding ground for turd movies. Extended weekend or not.

I was excited for this when it was announced. However, given the heinous release date, I am officially calling this film a hunk of shit.

What a shame.

• When Brads Love Jens & Jens Love Brads
• ’24′ prequel to make up for skipping a year…kinda
• Monday Links-Cannes Film festival
• donald trump tips almost as well as I do
• Heidi Montag REALLY Sucks

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Shakira in a threesome sex tape?!?! – AOL

The music/politics connection? -The Rock Radio

A guide to attending Jay-Z & Beyonce’s wedding – Best Week Ever

George Clooney wises up, dumps the WGA (goes fi-core) -E!

Cameron Diaz in GQ UK -Egotastic

Sharapova vs. Kournikova: Sharapova wins (IMO) -Hollywood Tuna

Avril Lavigne is funtionally retarded – IDLYITW

More after the break

Lindsay Lohan stars in N.E.R.D’s cocaine homage music video; not joking – Pop Sugar

Scarlett Johansson’s album artwork revealed – Mollygod

Hellboy 2 trailer – Popoholic

Aging is a bitch: Sharon Stone shows off her cottage cheese ass -Daily Mail UK

Brandon Davis loves calling black people ‘nigger.’ In realted news, he finds a way to make people hate him more despite thinking it was impossible. Keep living that dream douche -WWTDD (with video)

14:59: Jenn Sterger bikini shoot on the river – Busted Coverage

US Marine Corp vs. the scumbag Berkeley hippies-guess who wins? -CO-Ed Magazine

• Saturday Links-Buffy the vampire slayer reunion?!?!?!
• Saturday Links
• Kristen Davis Sex Tape images surface?
• Saturday Links- Justin Timberlake still and asshole & videos!
• ‘wanted’ looks cheeeezeee. I love it.

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NBC is releasing shows differently these days. Usually the networks get together in New York for a vacation er, meeting to reveal their new line up to advertisers. The stroke fest is called ‘the upfronts’ in the business. They also hold a similar event in LA (that actually makes sense) right after.

This year NBC is doing a press conference and selling to individual advertisers to save on money. (some of these show roll outs are exorbitant wastes of money)

Well, they announced that The Office will have a spin off show which sounds utterly retarded.

They also announced that Scrubs will most likely move to ABC which is odd since that show should have ended last year.

I hate TV executives sometimes…

• Katie Couric out at CBS?
• “Sorry For Molestin’ That Kid, Still Friends?”
• Luciano Pavarotti Hospitalized
• Lindsay Lohan To Host NYE Bash In Vegas! What?!?
• hayden panettiere thinks paris hilton is some kind of genius; is more wrong than she’s ever been

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Now some video of the affair has popped up.

I can’t wait to see this flick! (video after the break)

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• Saturday Links
• Very Nice, How Much?: Borat Has A Baby
• Sweeney Todd About To Be Butchered?
• Isla Fisher: “I’ve Played Some Whackadoodles”
• hayden panettiere in a cheerleader outfit

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Luckily for fans of the show, Fox is bringing it back for a full 22 episodes next year! E! reports:

Fox confirmed Monday to E! News it has renewed Prison Break for a full fourth season, which must be welcome news for fans who were left wanting more after the writers’ strike allowed for only a 13-episode third season.

I am very happy. I mostly hope that damn bitch who killed Sarah gets shot in the face and dipped in a boiling acid bath and tossed onto a pile of salt.

• terminator the sarah connor chronicles is back; kinda
• ’24′ prequel to make up for skipping a year…kinda
• Joss Whedon & Eliza Dushku Are Back! YEEEEESSSS!!!
• WGA writer’s strike cost Los Angeles BILLIONS
• WGA Strike Officially Pisses Me Off Now

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Former “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” star MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG will be joining The CW hit “Gossip Girl” for several episodes, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

On the show, Michelle will play a rival to “Gossip” star BLAKE LIVELY. Her character, fresh out of rehab, will be “shaking up and torturing” Blake’s character, per the trade paper.

This is supposedly the role that Mischa Barton was supposed to do before her and/or her people royally fucked it up.

Now it won’t surpass her majestic turn as Dawn on Buffy but it’s good to see her back on the tube.

• Mischa Barton Hospitalized
• rack time with blake lively
• Mischa Barton is RELLY Boring
• Where Are They Now?: Sarah Michelle Gellar Edition
• Joss Whedon & Eliza Dushku Are Back! YEEEEESSSS!!!

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Click read more to see the latest affront to man this son of a bitch has perpetrated….

Michael Bay is in negotiations to remake Rosemary’s Baby. The CLASSIC by Roman Polanski can now expect to get the rape treatment his productions of The Hitcher & Texas Chainsaw Massacre reamakes have unleashed and the horror that will be the Nightmare On Elmstreet remake.

Seriously, does this fucking asshole have an original bone in his Skybar trolling decrepit shit bag of a body?

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• Christina Aguilera Has Baby Shower 1 Of 3
• WGAS?:Celebrity Political Endorsement Season
• There Is A God!: Rosie Axed Before She Begins!

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The movie, designed to bridge the two-year gap between Seasons 6 and 7, is targeted to air in the fall, leading to the January return of the real-time drama. On Wednesday, “24″ producers began securing the show’s core cast members for the film.

“24″ was one of the biggest casualties of the writers strike. Three days into the work stoppage, Fox decided against airing a partial season of the serialized drama with the eight episodes produced before and during the first weeks of the strike.

Sorry, this is LAME. Fox and the producers should have made time to run the show in the Spring since they do have 8 episodes already. This is pretty much going to either spell the end of the show (my guess) or send it to a fever pitched fan fervor.

I hope I’m wrong, but people tend to forget shows when they leave for this amount of time. Even The Sopranos lost a ton of momentum and was over after they took a year off. The last season had good ratings but still, it’s depressing.

• Prison break is back for season 4!
• Joss Whedon & Eliza Dushku Are Back! YEEEEESSSS!!!
• terminator the sarah connor chronicles is back; kinda
• Happy Birthday Family Guy
• WGA Strike Officially Pisses Me Off Now

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I have only heard a little about this film and most of it hasn’t been all that great.

If memory serves it was the same film that saw 4 different scripts come our way during casting which is never a great sign.

We’ll see.

I think the most important thing is Owen doesn’t look all suicidey in the picture so perhaps the work is doing him good. Of course hanging out on the beach with Jennifer Aniston probably has a way of chasing the depression away a bit.

• Those Are Some, Uh, Nice Scars: Owen Wilson Edition
• Owen Wilson Is Fine, Just Fine
• Love Is In Bloom: Jennifer Aniston Edition
• Owen Wilson’s Lost Weekend & The Courtney Love Connection
• in touch weekly’s best breasts in Hollywood: Jessica Simpson is #1

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